A 55-year-old woman, married for 30 years, writes about her declining sex drive after a traumatic hysterectomy eight years ago.
Her husband was patient and kind, but intimacy never fully recovered.
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Now, after menopause, her libido has returned, but her husband no longer desires her due to her weight gain and his own erectile difficulties.
He has been critical of her sexual performance and refuses couples counseling. Outside the bedroom, they are very happy.
This year, she engaged a male escort to address the lack of sex. The chemistry was intense, and the escort developed feelings for her, blurring professional boundaries.
She ended the arrangement abruptly, but he continues to post indirect references on social media. She feels ridiculous and unsure how to proceed.
Expert Insight: The Faultline in a Long Marriage
Psychotherapist Katherine Cavallo notes that sexless periods in a long marriage are normal, but changes in intimacy can feel challenging.
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The reader and her husband have navigated much, but this is a faultline. Cavallo explains that when intimacy is disrupted, reaching out feels daunting.
The husband's criticism likely stems from his own shame and insecurity about erectile difficulties—it's easier to push her away than face his fears.
The male escort is described as a short-term fix. The intense feelings, fueled by limerence and novelty, are unlikely to last.
Cavallo advises the reader to focus on what she and her husband have missed about each other, and to take things slowly, removing intercourse from the menu initially to shift focus from performance to pleasure.
The key is a frank discussion with her husband. They need to decide whether they want to negotiate the next stage of life together or apart.
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The reader and her husband have changed since they first met; it's time to catch up with who they are now.
